SEX ADDICTION

Is there such a thing as sex addiction?

A while ago I searched for the symptoms of sex addiction. As I read through them, I wondered whether or not it actually existed. One of the symptoms the author mentions is that your sexual appetite is getting in the way of your relationship. I had to smile because, in sexology, I have learned that sex is one of the two biggest reasons why lovers split up.

If relationship problems are one of the symptoms of sex addiction, it means that one partner in 7 out of 10 relationships is addicted to sex. That gives you 35% of all people. Now, any abnormality that can be diagnosed in 35% of all people isn’t an abnormality at all. If you guess that it is mostly the man in the relationship, it brings you to 70% of all men. That would mean it is absolutely normal for men. The fact is that sex plays a large role in most problematic relationships. It is just one of those things; if people have troubles in their relationships, the origin is always some kind of addiction. For some, alcohol addiction is the root of the problem; for others it is money, spending, work, drugs, sex, or a combination of two or more – but that is another topic. I still want to know what sex addiction is and whether there is such a thing.

According to Charles Silverstein, author of The Joy of Gay Sex, it doesn’t exist. In almost all other standard sexology works, it isn’t even mentioned. The American Psychiatric Association never approved any diagnosis for sexual addiction or compulsive sex; in fact, all sex is compulsive from a certain point of view. Does this mean that we could ignore the idea of sex addiction and go on without worrying about it? I wouldn’t say that. I just won’t call the problem sex addiction; rather, let’s call it a problem of sexual frequency. You might say: “What is the difference? What is in a name?” The difference is that sex addiction defines the problem as a problem that an individual has, while sexual frequency is a problem within a relationship. I will try to explain how this difference is relevant for our relationships.

If the problem is sex addiction, it means that we have an individual who needs therapy. It means that this individual is the problem and his partner is the victim. It also follows that we should be able to determine the average frequency for having sex, and we should establish what constitutes too much. This is hardly viable. In my experience, a couple’s frequency can range from once a year to twice a day. And even though I have a set idea on how much sex I prefer, my preference is exactly that – it’s my personal preference. My preference only becomes problematic if it differs too much from my partner’s preference. Then, it isn’t my or his/her problem; instead it is our problem. Besides that, this isn’t even a unique problem.  It is actually a problem with which most couples struggle. And in many cases, it is a problem with which they struggle for years.

The advocates for the idea of sex addiction tell us that some people can’t do their work because they spend hours masturbating in toilets. I haven’t heard of a “Facebook Anonymous” or a “FreeCell Anonymous” yet, and I think there is more time wasted on Facebook and computer games than on jerking off. They tell us that some people just can’t relax if they do not get their sex-fix every morning. I can’t go on with my day if I do not get my coffee-fix every morning. I have never considered joining a support group for it. They say sex addicts are irritable, isolated insomniacs who lack energy and productivity and can’t get rid of intrusive thoughts or feelings of guilt. In my experience, the above are all symptoms of depression, and depression is a form of beating yourself up because you feel inadequate or not good enough; if your partner frequently tells you that you have a sex addiction and you do not get any, you WILL be depressed.

Conclusion

Like so many other things in life, “normal” is a setting on a washing machine and not something you could apply to the lives of human beings. What is normal to me may be totally abnormal for you, but it does not mean that either of us is right or wrong. At most, we can state that younger people on average need more sex than older people, and yet even that is only on average. I can assure you that a good lover almost never complains about a partner who wants less sex. If you both enjoy it, you have the time, and you are not too tired, there is no harm done.

Some organizations stand by their idea that there is such a thing as sex addiction. So if you went through one of their programs and you and your partner feel better, good for you. In my opinion, these organizations should rather use their energy to do something about real issues like poverty, bigotry and discrimination.

The post Sex Addiction appeared first on Relationship Development and Transformation.