15 TRUSTWORTHY TECHNIQUES TO PREVENT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

PART ONE, THE FIRST SIX TECHNIQUES

This is Part One of a three-part series. Find part two here and part three here. One of the most exciting times is the feeling of entering into a new romantic relationship with someone. You can’t get enough of the other person as the two of you are floating on cloud nine. That is the time to think ahead and prevent relationship problems

Unfortunately, this period commonly known as the honeymoon phase is just that. It’s a phase.

Small things start to surface where you notice the other person isn’t perfect. And as the relationship continues on, you run into disagreements, arguments and you even hurt each other both intentionally and unintentionally.

So how is it that long-term, happy couples continue to be happy with each other despite all these challenges that come with time? If you’ve been running into setbacks with your relationship, here are 15 techniques you can use with your partner that the happiest couples use to prevent relationship problems.

1. Cultivate connection by creating a safe space for each other.

When a person who you care about points out a flaw or shares something s/he’s unhappy with you about, your fear of getting hurt makes you prone to getting defensive. You may feel the need to protect yourself, which can lead to behaviors such as shutting your partner out, keeping secrets and being inauthentic. This is why it’s important during times of conflict that the both of you feel safe to have the conversation.

When you cultivate a relationship where you and your partner feel safe, the two of you are able to share sensitive things with each other without any judgement or condemnation. As a result, a genuine connection occurs.

What to do:

Don’t forget to remind your partner during times of conflict that you are on the same side. This helps frame the conversation that the goal is more about collaboratively figuring out how to solve the challenge together rather than trying to prove who’s right or wrong. Doing this helps couples take their walls down.

When your partner shares something vulnerable with you, don’t ask questions that start with “Why”. Instead, try asking the questions “What happened?”. Questions that start with “Why” automatically trigger your brain to go on the defensive. For example, instead of asking “Why would you do that?” you can ask, “What happened that caused you to do that?”

Pay attention to your non-verbal language that may be preventing your partner from feeling safe to share with you. Avoid crossing your arms, being distracted by looking elsewhere or scowling. Instead, relax your body, maintain eye contact and give your undivided attention.

2. Engage in both emotions and actions during conflict.

One common occurrence seen in many relationships is that one partner will usually try to fix the conflict by offering solutions while the other wants to simply be comforted because of the emotion she is feeling.

One hilarious yet accurate illustration of this situation can be seen in this skit, “It’s Not About the Nail.”

Many relationships struggle because each partner tends to focus on half the picture when it comes to conflict/resolution.

There is a part of your brain that helps you reason and to use logical thinking, and there’s a part of your brain that feels emotions. What’s important to know is when one is caught up in the emotional brain, the thinking part of your brain temporary shuts down. This means conflict/resolution skills like critical thinking, logical reasoning, and empathy are temporarily turned off.

This is why we often make irrational decisions and do things we regret when we are emotional. It’s also why it’s hard to listen to reason or solutions being thrown at you when you are experiencing intense emotions.

In order to effectively resolve tough issues with your partner, you must connect with the other’s emotional state first to calm it down in order to reactivate the thinking part of the brain. By doing so, both of you are now on the same wavelength and in a better place to come up with solutions together.

What to do to prevent relationship problems:

Challenging conflicts almost always begin in the emotional side of the brain. When your partner shares an upsetting issue with you, it’s important to respond with your emotional brain first.

First, listen to your partner and get into a habit of reflecting back to confirm how she is feeling while being careful not to be condescending.

For example, when your partner tells you about something that upset her, before letting your mental reflexes spurt out advice, you can simply say something like, “Wow, that sucks, I don’t blame you for being angry about that. I’d be too if that happened to me.” It may feel weird to say things like this in the beginning, but as you do it more, it’ll feel more natural to you and comforting for your partner.

Once your partner feels felt, then it’s time to see if she’s open to redirecting the conversation to brainstorm how to solve the problem while using the thinking side of the brain.

3. Name your emotions when speaking with each other.

As simple as this sounds, it’s important to put into words how you are feeling. The challenge, however, is that while your partner can hear about your feelings when you speak, it’s often hard to have him actually feel what you are feeling. In order to be able to help your partner feel the same emotions, you need to tell the story behind it.

People feel what you feel through your stories. When you honestly recount the events of what happened to you when you’ve had a bad day or something rude someone said to you, it helps your partner feel what you are feeling.

There’s actually a double benefit to openly sharing your stories behind your feelings. It also helps you activate the thinking part of your brain and make sense of what happened. As a result, you have a deeper understanding of why you are feeling the way you do, which actually gives you more control to do something to resolve it.

What to do to prevent relationship problems:

When you’re having trouble expressing to your partner how you are feeling, simply unpack the story of what happened to you. As you share, try to name the feelings you were experiencing during the key parts of the story to help you make more sense of what happened.

Instead of saying something like, “My boss was such a jerk today,” expand upon it and say, “My boss was such a jerk today and it made me so pissed off.” Then proceed to tell the story of what happened.

4. Engage your partner rather than enraging him.

A lot of arguments occur because of things that the partner is a repeated offender of. This can be especially frustrating and it can often lead to angry comments that lead down the black hole of hurling hurtful insults at each other.

When you’re annoyed or upset with your partner, making a criticizing comment at him or intentionally pushing his buttons won’t fix the problem. Instead, you’ll just make things worse and end up in an emotional hurricane with each other.

When you have an issue with your partner, it’s important to utilize strategies that help you keep your cool and communicate with him thoughtfully rather than lashing out with anger.

What to do to prevent relationship problems:

Try to refrain from pushing your partner’s buttons, even though it feels like he is intentionally upsetting you. Instead, take a deep breath and bring the conversation back to a more productive one by asking thought-provoking questions instead of fighting back.

For example, if your partner won’t clean up after himself no matter how many times you’ve told him to, rather than going down the usual, “You’re such a slob!” and upsetting your partner, you can try to engage him to help you figure things out. You can thoughtfully share your frustration and invite him to help you solve the issue.

For example:

I have to be honest. I’ve been really frustrated with you not helping around the house and it feels like I’m usually cleaning up after you. I find myself picking up your dirty laundry off the floor and scrubbing the counters because it gets so filthy. I’m feeling more like your maid than your spouse. What do you think we can do about this? I’d really appreciate your help.

5. Don’t dominate the relationship.

Once one partner tries to start controlling the other by being commanding and demanding things of her, it becomes an unhealthy relationship.

These kinds of toxic environments restrict partners from being able to be themselves around you. They will often feel like they have to walk on eggshells with you because they’re afraid of upsetting you.

Controlling behavior stems from insecurities and anxiety, so if you find yourself or your partner acting this way, it may be important to talk about it and investigate the root cause of the issue.

What to do to prevent relationship problems:

Rather than telling your partner to stop doing something or to do things a certain way, try to encourage conversations about it. If they don’t agree, open it up to alternatives and negotiation. You’ve probably experienced times when someone just commands you do to things a certain way, it’s often more off-putting than helpful.

Or if it’s the other way around and you’re being the one who’s being commanded, express that you don’t appreciate your partner telling you what to do and that you’d appreciate if they would ask things of you instead of demanding them.

Even though you’re a couple, it’s important to have boundaries and respect each other’s boundaries.

6. Don’t shame each other.

Shame is one of the worst emotional pains to experience and it often occurs when someone makes you feel like something is wrong with who you are.

Whether it was getting bullied at school, not meeting someone’s expectations, or being disregarded when you were opening up, shame makes you go into defense mode and build a wall around yourself and not let anyone in.

Shame and vulnerability expert Dr. Brene Brown shares:

“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

During times of intense conflict, some may resort to shaming their partner; doing so creates an unhealthy relationship. Instead, be sure to differentiate that you are unhappy with your partner’s actions as opposed to his character and express that through your words.

What to do to prevent relationship problems:

Don’t use words that shame your partner. Instead, when upset with him, be sure to use words that focus on his actions.

For example, take a look at the following two statements:

1. “I can’t believe you forgot to make it to our son’s game! You’re the worst father ever!”
2. “I’m really disappointed and upset that you forgot about our son’s game.”

The first statement is attacking his character whereas the second statement expresses your feelings about his actions. The first statement shames your partner, which probably will make him shut down and enter into defense mode whereas the latter opens up a conversation to discuss things further and hopefully reconcile.

This subtle difference makes a huge impact and opens up a path towards resolving the conflict instead of further argument.

This is Part One of a three-part series. Part Two:  (Numbers 7-12) and Part Three: (Numbers 13 – 15).

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