20 First Date Ideas to Make a Great First Impression

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20 FIRST DATE IDEAS TO MAKE A GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION

Susan Trombetti October 27, 2020

Asking someone out on a first date — and having them accept the invite, of course — gives you a rush like no other. But almost as soon as the excitement sets in, so does a little panic as you realize that you need a plan — and not just any plan, a good one. They say first impressions are everything, after all, and if you want to have a real long-term shot with this person, you probably want to wow them right off the bat with your first date ideas. The secret? Thinking outside the box. The best first date ideas are unique, and therefore, make you stand out among everyone else in the dating pool.

Sure, you could make a reservation at that Italian joint downtown, or agree to meet for happy hour at the same trendy bar. But why settle for the same tired plans when you’ve met someone special? They deserve better, and so do you. Besides, sharing a meal or a couple of cocktails puts a whole lot of pressure on your ability to keep the momentum rolling in a conversation because there are no other distractions. There are so many other first date ideas that aren’t dinner or drinks that provide endless opportunities to get to know each other better, while also potentially finding common ground and making more meaningful memories together.

If you could use a little inspiration (couldn’t we all?) — here are some of my favorite first date ideas that are different, and most importantly, fun.

Good First Date Ideas

1. Scope out a farmers market.

There’s hardly a better way to enjoy a beautiful afternoon than sampling some fresh local and seasonal produce. Plus, if you pick up enough ingredients for a specific recipe, then — boom — you’ve already got your second date planned (cooking dinner together, of course!).

2. Play tourist.

Even if you’ve lived in your current city for a long time, odds are there are still a few attractions you haven’t been to. So, why not pretend to be tourists for a day and visit some of those sites? Each of you can pick out one place that’s been on your bucket list — and then you can go explore them together, whether that entails taking a walking tour or hitting up a popular museum.

3. Take a mixology class.

Instead of just grabbing cocktails at a local bar, consider whipping up your own. This is a little less intimidating than taking a cooking class on your first date (although that’s still a great idea if you’re feeling brave), but it still allows you both to bond over a unique, interactive activity together. As an added bonus, you’ll go home with at least one new drink recipe that you can use to impress your date in the future.

4. Hit the links.

You don’t have to be the next Tiger Woods to head to the golf course and whack a few balls. Besides, a little flirty competition while you’re cruising around on the cart is bound to heat things up by the time you reach the 9th (or 18th) hole. If you’re not exactly comfortable teeing off in front of your date, mini-golf is an equally fun, yet lower-stakes alternative.

5. Go to a fortune teller.

A psychic reading, palm, or tarot card reading may not be your typical date idea, so hear me out here — it’s the quirky, eccentric nature of this plan that makes it memorable. Chances are, your date has never done something like this before, which is why it will stand out in their mind. Plus, even if neither of you buys into their predictions, it’ll still be fascinating to find out if they think you’re destined to have a future together.

6. Hit up a college sports game.

Sometimes, a casual, laid-back atmosphere is ideal for a first date because it eliminates some of the inherent pressure. If that sounds more your speed, then I definitely recommend looking into some minor league or college-level hockey, basketball, and baseball games. Even if you’re not diehard fans, you can share snacks, throw back a beer or two, and have some live action to keep you entertained throughout your date.

7. Take a brewery or winery tour.

The fun thing about this date is that it still allows you to let loose by sampling some adult bevs, but it’s more interactive than just sitting at a bar. After learning about the process for making the products, swing by the tasting room to sample a flight and find a few new favorite brews or wines.

8. Explore a botanical garden or arboretum.

Talk about breathtaking scenery: Botanical gardens and arboretums are about as romantic as it gets, thanks to the beauty of nature. You can even pack a light picnic to enjoy on the grounds if the site allows outside food.

9. Take a dog for a walk.

If you and/or your date is a canine owner, why not meet up to walk your fur baby in the park a la John Cusack and Diane Lane in Must Love Dogs? If you don’t have a pup, you might check out a local animal shelter — many of them allow volunteers to take their dogs for a stroll. Animals just seem to bring out the best in people, and seeing how your date interacts with them will show you a lot about their character (and nurturing instincts).

10. Go to an open house.

It doesn’t matter if you and your date aren’t in the market for a new home — if you see a particularly gorgeous listing, consider attending the open house just to tour the property for yourselves and marvel at the decor. At the very least, the experience will offer opportunities to talk about your preferences and to comment on some interesting architecture or design choices.

11. Just get dessert.

There’s something extra intimate about sharing a sweet, indulgent treat with someone. So, rather than grabbing dinner, why not meet for just dessert? Remember: chocolate is a proven aphrodisiac.

12. Go on a bike ride.

If you’re both down to get active on your first date, you can rent a bike (or ride your own) and go on an afternoon adventure. Not only will you squeeze in some exercise, but you’re also bound to stumble on some hidden gems you never knew about in your city. Choose a destination or a pit stop along the way where you can grab a pick-me-up — like an ice cream cone or a latte.

13. Visit an art gallery or museum.

Regardless of whether you’re a legit art buff or not, there’s something intellectually stimulating about walking around an exhibit together and commenting on the work. Not only will you have plenty to talk about, but you’ll also get a sense of each other’s interests.

14. Check out an open mic night.

Here’s the thing about open mics: they’re super hit or miss, and you never really know what you’re going to get. But that’s the fun of it! You may discover a new favorite local act, and you may witness a few cringy duds. Either way, the live performances will offer endless conversation starters, and you’ll have a chance to learn about each other’s taste in music.

15. Plan a picnic.

As long as your first date isn’t going down in the dead of winter, a picnic with some people-watching is a perfect plan. You can shop for some finger foods together, or go potluck-style and each plan to bring certain items. Just don’t forget to bring a blanket and some afternoon bevvies — whether that means a pitcher of homemade sangria or some canned wine. Oh, and you can also bring a deck of cards or a board game just in case to liven things up if there’s ever a lull in the conversation. The best part? There’s no awkward reach for the bill at the end of your meal.

16. Go on a hike.

Here’s a no-brainer for outdoorsy types. When weather permits, head to a local trail for a hike — and perhaps bring along some snacks or libations to enjoy whenever you stop to soak in the scenery. I love the idea of an early morning hike — there’s something super romantic about watching the sunrise together. Also, since it’s a first date, I definitely recommend choosing a public trail that isn’t too secluded for safety reasons.

17. Pick produce at a farm.

Whether you go apple picking in the fall or berry picking in the summer, this is such a sweet outdoor bonding activity that comes with some delicious souvenirs to take home. If your first date goes well, you could even make plans to bake something together with the produce you took home.

18. Attend a trivia night.

As they say, teamwork makes the dream work — and participating in some fun trivia at a local bar is a phenomenal way to discover shared interests while also LOL’ing over each other’s obscure knowledge. Plus, the adrenaline rush that comes with trying to figure out the answers can only add to the excitement of the experience. Who knows? In the process, you may find you make a great romantic team, too. By the way, lots of bars are offering virtual trivia nights during the pandemic, so do a quick Google search to see if any local establishments are running these competitions online.

19. Scope out some comedy

You can’t go wrong with a first date that gets you laughing. Not only does laughter help to break some of the nervous tension, but it also allows you to figure out if you have a similar sense of humor. Whether you go see a standup routine, look up some recorded standup routines, or listen to a funny podcast, you’re bound to have a blast (and kiss those pesky first date jitters goodbye).

20. Sign up for a paint night.

Boozy art classes are a spectacular first date idea because you’re forced to get out of your comfort zone, but you also have some liquid courage to help you out. Plus, you’ll get to see a different side of your date’s personality since it’s a little vulnerable to show off your talents (or lack thereof). Even if your finished pieces aren’t exactly masterpieces, at least you’ll have something to laugh about — and to remember your first date by!

Susan Trombetti, Matchmaker and the CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking.

Previously published by Exclusive Matchmaking-https://exclusivematchmaking.net/blog/20-unique-first-date-ideas-that-arent-dinner-drinks/

The post 20 First Date Ideas to Make a Great First Impression appeared first on Relationship Development and Transformation.

 

SUSAN TROMBETTI
ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Susan Trombetti has been seen on Doctor Oz, HLN, Fox, ABC, NBC, ABC, Cosmopolitan, NYPost, Washington Post, Today, and Bravo to name a few. As a leading celebrity matchmaker, relationship expert, and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, Susan has helped discerning singles across the country discover long-term relationships and partnerships that are both rewarding and fulfilling.

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Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations

Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations

You can do more than “agree to disagree.” Learn how to communicate with shared humanity and boundaries in mind.

At the best of times, debates around the kitchen table can be uncomfortable. In 2020, when political tensions feel to be at an all-time high, many want to avoid the difficult subjects altogether or cut ties after heated interactions about hot topics (online or otherwise). Can people communicate about these important and timely issues in more mindful, healthy ways? Is there a way to discuss polarizing topics in a less-than-polarizing manner?

Mindful communication, whether about politics or anything else, is not about having no opinion or never feeling uncomfortable. Discomfort is often a part of the process, and yet at the same time, mindful communication does not require that we engage in any and all discussions.

Communicating in more mindful ways about politics especially is simply about paying attention to how you relate to the other person in the exchange. It is simply an invitation to consciously consider:

What might I want to bring with me to the table?

How am I approaching this and is there a different way?

What nourishing things can I do when tensions run high?

Whether you engage in political debate online, at dinner, or somewhere in-between, there are a handful of practices and insights you can consider to maintain a sense of peace or at least to make peace possible. Consider the following during your next political debate:

Remember that we share our humanity

Remaining mindful of our shared humanity is one of the most important insights that we can connect with when discussing difficult topics. It is something that is easy to forget, but at the end of the day, we all long for the same things: to be loved, to be safe, and for our loved ones to be loved and safe. When you are mindful of shared humanity, you are more likely to be curious about why another person holds the views that they do rather than jump to judgments or condemnation. If you are in the midst of a heated debate, take an inward pause by tuning into the heart space and reconnecting with the capacity for compassion despite our differences.

Consider what motivates your own views and beliefs and then consider what motivates the views and beliefs of others

Where you grew up, the types of parents you had, and the obstacles and opportunities you encountered along your life journey all influence the views and beliefs you hold. It’s easy to forget this, mistaking your own perspective to be universal and your personal experiences to be indicative of an absolute truth. Due to life’s complexity, this isn’t the case. As you become more curious about what makes others think the way they do, consider the journey and experiences that have led someone to hold differing views to our own.

Take breathing breaks as often as you need to

Breathing breaks can happen wherever you are. If you are seated around the table, you might take a quiet moment to soften your belly and notice your breath’s flow. Take a longer pause by heading to the bathroom. If you are communicating online and the conversation is heated, remember that you don’t need to respond right away and by taking a longer pause before getting back to the keyboard, you allow time for strong emotions to settle and greater clarity and compassion to enter through your responses.

If you’re debating online with someone you are friends with, consider having a phone conversation instead

Talking about politics online leaves plenty of room for misinterpretation, little room for nuance, and risks forgetting that shared humanity. If you find yourself in a heated debate with someone you know and who you can trust, consider proposing a conversation over the phone or in-person instead. This can help you to remember that you aren’t debating with a computer. You are talking to a human with feelings, emotions, and needs not so unlike your own.

Create and uphold healthy conversational boundaries where needed

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, it is not possible to converse about politics in a healthy, respectful way. Regardless of what you bring to the table, you cannot control the way that another shows up. If, for instance, the person you are speaking with cannot recognize the shared humanity of all and is not bringing their own compassion and curiosity to the conversation, consider your boundaries. What are your limits in conversation? How will you create a healthy boundary for yourself? There is no conversation that you are obliged to engage in, and so if a conversation does not hold mutual respect and a willingness to listen, you might mindfully choose to step away from the discussion entirely.

Listen with a yearning to understand, softening the urge to respond and to prove

Lastly, the quality of listening skills is crucial when in the midst of polarizing discussions. It’s not uncommon to blame the other person for not listening, yet not practice mindful listening yourself. When someone else is sharing their views, opinions, and feelings, see if you can pick up what it is they care about beneath surface appearances. What universal human need are they wanting to protect? What is it that they care about? The better you are able to offer your full attention to another, the more likely they will try to do the same for you in return.

As you find yourself in the midst of political conversation over the coming weeks, months, and years, remember that it isn’t always smooth sailing, you won’t always see eye-to-eye, and you might sometimes be misunderstood. Sometimes, your best move will be to step away from a discussion altogether. At other times, you might lean in, opening your heart, and together seeing where you might reconnect at a level deeper than political perspective.

Focus on what you yourself can bring to the conversation when you choose to engage. Where there is openness, curiosity, and compassion, new possibilities for relating might just blossom overtime. While it might be difficult to see eye-to-eye on political issues, you might just find that at the same time, it is possible to see heart-to-heart.

The post Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Introverts and Extroverts: Breaking the Myth

INTROVERTS AND EXTROVERTS: BREAKING THE MYTH

Michele Rout October 27, 2020
 

We generally think of extroverts as people who are outgoing, confident, loud, and sometimes over-bearing; and introverts as quiet people who lack confidence and are anti-social. When we’re trying to figure out if someone is an extrovert or introvert, we tend to judge them against these criteria, and whilst some individuals seem to match these stereotypes perfectly, most fit neither box exclusively.

That’s probably because we’re using the incorrect yardstick. Carl Jung, well-known psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, was the first to create the concept of extroversion and introversion in the early 1900’s. He defined these traits based on our energy source to recharge. Introverts recharge through being alone, whilst extroverts gain energy from other people and through social interactions. Jung said, “Each person seems to be energized more by either the external world (extroversion) or the internal world (introversion).” Our brains are wired differently, and therefore, react differently to stimulation. Extroverts have a lower basic rate of arousal, so they need more stimulus than introverts, who are more sensitive to external stimulus and therefore can find the same level overwhelming and draining.

Myths surrounding introverts and extroverts:

1. Myth: Introverts are shy. Fact: The word “shy” relates to someone who has a fear of people rejecting or judging them. There are shy extroverts and shy introverts. Shy extroverts love being around people, get their energy from them but are too scared to come out of their shell. They don’t like public speaking and they don’t like the attention being focused on them. Introverts may be quiet, not because they’re shy but because they’re over-stimulated.

2. Myth: Introverts have low self-esteem. Fact: They are confident individuals, and tend to have a quiet fortitude.

3. Myth: Introverts are anti-social. Fact: Introverts don’t like attention and they tend to be reserved; however, they enjoy being with people – just on a more limited and smaller scale because spending long periods of time with people tends to drain them. They prefer one on one conversations and have fewer friends with deep bonds.

4. Myth: Introverts are too serious. Fact: Introverts are good listeners and like to think before they speak and before making decisions.

5. Myth: Introverts have no opinion and nothing to say. Fact: Given the opportunity, introverts quietly and forthrightly put their points of view across. Introverts can have very strong views. There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive, the latter introverts are not.

6. Myth: Introverts don’t like working in groups. Fact: Introverts work better in small groups, and don’t like to push to be heard. They like working in quiet spaces as they find it less draining and more productive.

7. Myth: Extroverts are attention-seeking and shallow. Fact: Extroverts, when left on their own for too long, feel bored, restless and lonely. They enjoy large groups, and are happy to interact with friends and strangers alike.

8. Myth: Extroverts are pushy. Fact: Extroverts need to talk to work through their ideas in their head.

9. Myth: Extroverts are bad listeners. Fact: They get their energy from being talkative, but they can develop a good rapport with people quickly and easily, and can be very good listeners because they ask a lot of open-ended questions.

10. Myth: Extroverts don’t need alone time. Fact: They do, but in smaller doses. All of us can feel burnt out with too much interaction and being on the go constantly.

The biggest myth of all is that you are either one or the other. Carl Jung also said, “There is no such thing as a pure introvert or extrovert. Such a person would be in the lunatic asylum.” Think of it more as a spectrum with extroversion sitting on one end and introversion on the other, and most of us sitting somewhere in between, perhaps leaning more towards one than the other. Many of us can actually relate to being an ambivert, which is defined as someone who is balanced between introvert and extrovert tendencies.

Have you ever noticed how you can be more introverted around some people and more extroverted around others, depending on their energy in relation to your own? Sometimes people can sap your energy and be too dominating, resulting in you becoming more withdrawn; and other times people can draw you out, where you are open and chatty and feel energized from spending time with them.

The next time you’re in a meeting or in a social group, take a little time to observe each person’s communication style. Who appears open and friendly? Who seems more quiet and reserved? How do you fit into the mix? And what are the factors motivating these behaviors?

The post Introverts and Extroverts: Breaking the Myth appeared first on Relationship Development and Transformation.

MICHELE ROUT

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COVID-19 and Addiction Recovery-Now What?

Holidays, COVID-19, and Addiction Recovery: Now What?

Partners need to address how they will integrate recovery into couple and family life and specifically, manage the holiday season.
 

.As the holiday season draws closer, families are faced with the uncertainty of how exactly these events will unfold. Traditions and long-held practices in celebrating holidays are up in the air as the world continues to grapple with the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

According to the CDC, about 41% of the population in the U.S. report experiencing mental health issues as a result of the pandemic, including anxiety, depression, and trauma-related symptoms.  About 13% of the population admits to starting or increasing substance use. People in recovery from an addictive disorder face increased stress and an increased risk for relapse.  

The holiday season can invite many emotions stemming from the traumas of our past, memories of previous holidays ruined by addiction, and anxieties about the future. Alice’s partner Greg* started a recovery program several months ago. Alice commented, “Our past Thanksgiving celebrations always ended up a disaster, especially last year. Now that Greg is in recovery and we have this COVID thing, we have to figure out what we are going to do this year.” Alice and Greg began talking about their expectations and hopes for this year’s celebrations.

Relationships have never been more important  

A healthy relationship between partners is the single biggest predictor of long-term recovery for those impacted by addiction. Severe substance use and compulsive behavioral problems create significant damage to family rituals and roles in the couple relationship. An approach that supports couple recovery highlights the importance of both individual recovery, as well as relationship recovery. The implications are clear: Partners need to address how they will integrate recovery into couple and family life and specifically, manage the holiday season. Couple recovery involves conversations on how to provide support for each partner’s recovery (wellness) as well as relationship recovery. Let’s start with managing the holidays. 

Rituals of connection provide safety and stability in relationships

In his book “The Relationship Cure,” Dr. John Gottman states that rituals are like routines in that they are repeated over and over so that they are predictable—everyone knows what to expect. The difference between a routine and a ritual is that rituals have symbolic meaning. Rituals draw people together creating safety, predictability, and connection. This is the opposite of what happens in active addiction where uncertainty and unpredictability create fear, confusion, and a lack of safety. 

Three essential steps for couples and families for managing holidays this year  

Step 1: Both partners acknowledge past trauma and triggers without blame or defensiveness. Use the “Softened Start-Up” formula describing perceptions, feelings, and needs. To avoid criticism, describe the self, not the partner. Sharing your feelings can be scary. It is important for partners to acknowledge, without judgment, what is important to each person and make that a part of the plan. Vulnerability actually increases intimacy and emotional connection. Talk about: 

  1. Impact of addiction. Example: “Last Thanksgiving was difficult and upsetting because of the arguing and the impact of alcohol (and/or other substances) consumption on our celebration. I feel anxious about Thanksgiving this year, even though we started recovery. I need for us to figure out what we want this year and create new ways to celebrate that feel meaningful.” 
  2. Impact of COVID-19.  Example: “I miss being with our families. I am sad and frustrated. I would like to arrange a (video conference/socially distanced gathering/a family-only Facebook page with pictures and updates, etc.).”

Step 2: Develop a plan that supports what’s healthy for you, your partner, and you both as a couple. It can be empowering to establish a plan for welcoming the holiday season and essential for individuals and couples who have been impacted by addiction. Establish rituals that are predictable and meaningful as part of your plan. Before putting a plan together, ask each person what means the most to them about that holiday. Then decide what plan you would like to develop. Decide what happens and who does what and when.

Part of this plan may include revisiting Step 1 as needed and on a continuing basis. After all, one’s feelings never go away. If anything, they are bridges already built, waiting to be crossed to meet your partner on the other side. They are already there. You just need to use them in ways that are accepting of yourself and your partner. 

Step 3: Make sure that this fits what is healthy for you.  In the workshop Roadmap for the Journey: A Path for Couple Recovery, there is an exercise designed for decision-making involving partners writing out a list of core needs, recovery needs, and areas of flexibility. This sorting out helps define boundaries and supports good self-care. A final check before going through with the proposed agreements involves each partner asking themselves three questions:

  1. Is this decision potentially helpful to my own recovery or wellness?
  2. Is this decision potentially harmful to my own recovery or wellness?
  3. Is this decision neutral to my own recovery or wellness?

Example: Marty loved getting together with her family on video conferencing and looked forward to doing so during the holidays. Her partner, who is in recovery from an alcohol use disorder, stated that it was really uncomfortable personally, because of the drinking that took place during these conference calls. It was important to come up with a plan that addressed those concerns and made family video conferencing work for both partners. The core need was time with the family, a recovery need was creating a safe environment with the family, and an area of flexibility included the time of day for the call, which occurs before “happy hour.” 

This process is a practice. Creating an openness to each other’s ideas, feelings, and needs provides the best environment for successfully navigating the holiday season.  

Join the next Roadmap for the Journey workshop Nov. 7th & 14th. Click here for more information.

The post Holidays, COVID-19, and Addiction Recovery: Now What? appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Trusting Your Gut to Make Decisions

TRUSTING YOUR GUT TO MAKE DECISIONS

Ray Williams October 23, 2020

Is it rational to trust your gut feelings? Does it matter if you face a decision that is personal versus a decision you have at work? Does the amount and reliability of information prompt you to make a decision solely on logic and rationality, or does gut feeling still play a part? Are gut feelings defined as an emotion or something else? These are questions that have prompted a great deal of research and discussion for hundreds of years.

A Definition of Gut Feelings

Gut feelings can be defined as an instinct or intuition; an immediate or basic feeling or reaction without a logical rationale, an instinctive feeling, as opposed to an opinion based on facts. If you have a gut feeling about something, you are sure even though you cannot give reasons.

Gut feelings are also known as intuition.

Intuition is the ability to acquire knowledge without proofevidence, or conscious reasoning, or without understanding how the knowledge was acquired. Different writers give the word “intuition” a great variety of different meanings, ranging from direct access to unconscious knowledge, unconscious cognition, inner sensing, inner insight to unconscious pattern-recognition, and the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning. Some philosophers contend that the word “intuition” is often misunderstood or misused to mean instincttruthbelief, and meaning, whereas others contend that faculties such as instinct, belief, and intuition are factually related. The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri translated as “consider” or from the late middle English word intuit, “to contemplate.”

Both Eastern and Western philosophers have studied the concept in great detail.

In the East, intuition is mostly intertwined with religion and spirituality, and various meanings exist from different religious texts. In the West, intuition does not appear as a separate field of study, and early mention and definition can be traced back to Plato. In his book Republic he tries to define intuition as a fundamental capacity of human reason to comprehend the true nature of reality.

In his book, Meditations on First Philosophy, Descartes refers to an intuition as a pre-exiting knowledge gained through rational reasoning or discovering truth through contemplation. This definition is commonly referred to as rational intuition. Later, philosophers such as Hume, have more ambiguous interpretations of intuition.

Immanuel Kant found intuition is thought of as basic sensory information provided by the cognitive faculty of sensibility (equivalent to what might loosely be called perception). Kant held that our mind casts all of our external intuitions in the form of space, and all of our internal intuitions (memory, thought) in the form of time.

According to Sigmund Freud, knowledge could only be attained through the intellectual manipulation of carefully made observations and rejected any other means of acquiring knowledge such as intuition, and his findings could have been an analytic turn of his mind towards the subject. (Wiki)

Instinct is often misinterpreted as intuition and its reliability considered to be dependent on past knowledge and occurrences in a specific area. For example, someone who has had more experiences with children will tend to have a better instinct about what they should do in certain situations with them. This is not to say that one with a great amount of experience is always going to have an accurate intuition.

The Brain-Gut Connection

The connection between the brain and the gut is strong. The research concludes that your brain is transferring strong signals with your gut.

Scientific evidence shows a strong connection between chronic diseases and inflammation. Inflammation is most commonly rooted in the gut, where around 70 percent of our immune system resides. Our food choices result in oxidative stress, setting the stage for inflammatory ailments such as depression, anxiety, brain fog, obesity, and more. The health of your gut directly impacts the health of your brain. The gut communicates with our immune system and also communicates with the brain using, among other things, neurotransmitters. One function of neurotransmitters is that they send key messages to the brain, resulting in various effects on the body. Serotonin and dopamine are some well-known neurotransmitters that are typically associated with a good mood. In fact, while many believe that serotonin is primarily produced in the brain, it’s been found that up to 90 percent of serotonin is actually created in the gut.

Dr. Helen Messer, the Chief Medical Officer at Viome, which analyzes the gut microbiome, says ‘the bacteria in the gut make or consume the majority of neurotransmitters in our bodies.’ Essentially, if your gut is producing an adequate amount of mood-improving chemicals like serotonin, then it will send signals to the brain that will result in various benefits such as better sleep and satiety. It’s obviously more complicated than that, but that’s the general rundown. So how do you influence your gut to help it produce the good neurotransmitters and other compounds that make the mind feel better? A lot of it had to do with eating the right diet that your gut needs. (Futurism)

In addition to eating well for your gut, your brain can signal gastrointestinal issues.

Gastrointestinal conditions are incredibly common. About 20% of adults and adolescents suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a disorder where abdominal discomfort or pain go hand-in-hand with changes in bowel habits. These could involve chronic diarrhea and constipation, or a mixture of the two. IBS is a so-called functional disorder, because while its symptoms are debilitating, there are no visible pathological changes in the bowel. So it is diagnosed based on symptoms rather than specific diagnostic tests or procedures. This is contrary to inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), a condition where the immune system reacts in an exaggerated manner to normal gut bacteria. Inflammatory bowel disease is associated with bleeding, diarrhea, weight loss, and anemia (iron deficiency) and can be a cause of death. It’s called an organic bowel disease because we can see clear pathological changes caused by inflammation of the bowel lining.

Many experience anxiety and depression in response to the way the illness changes their life. But studies also suggest those with anxiety and depression are more likely to develop bowel disorders. This is important evidence of brain-gut interactions.

The brain and gut speak to each other constantly through a network of neural, hormonal, and immunological messages. But this healthy communication can be disturbed when we stress or develop chronic inflammation in our guts. Stress can influence the type of bacteria inhabiting the gut, making our bowel flora less diverse and possibly more attractive to harmful bacteria. It can also increase inflammation in the bowel, and vulnerability to infection.

Chronic intestinal inflammation may lower our sensitivity to positive emotions. When we become sick with conditions like inflammatory bowel disease, our brains become rewired through a process called neuroplasticity, which changes the connections between the nerve signals. Anxiety and depression are common in people suffering from chronic bowel problems. Approximately 20% of those living with inflammatory bowel disease report feeling anxious or blue for extended periods of time. When their disease flares, this rate may exceed 60%. (Psychlopaedia)

Not All Research Studies Point to the Benefits of Intuition

A new study says you should think long and hard and fight against your intuition.

Harvard Kennedy School professor Jennifer Lerner teamed up with Christine MaKellams of the University of La Verne to show that — contrary to popular belief — systematic thinkers are better at reading people than their intuitive counterparts, especially in unfamiliar situations. Their research paper was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

‘Cultivating successful personal and professional relationships requires the ability to accurately infer the feelings of others — that is, to be empathically accurate,’ the paper’s abstract read. ‘Some are better at this than others, a difference which may be explained in part by mode of thought.’

To determine which mode was the winner, Lerner and MaKellams ran four studies. The first was an online survey that asked participants to predict whether systematic or intuitive thinking would help them interpret emotions more accurately. Unsurprisingly, most people thought intuition would win. The two researchers then worked with executive-level professionals in studies two to four, randomly assigning each participant to either interview or be interviewed by another participant. At the end of the mock interview, both individuals were asked to assess their own emotions during the session and what they perceived their partner’s emotions to be. Lerner and MaKellams found, by comparing the assessments, that systematic thinkers were the ultimate context of real-life interviews, this means that your first impression is not always a good predictor of the kind of person you are facing, no matter if you are the interviewer or the interviewee. (Forbes)

The age-old proverb “don’t judge a book by its cover” indeed holds true. But here’s the challenge: We are wired to make quick judgments based on our assumptions, something MaKellams described as an automatic reflex. On the other hand, she said, systematic thinking is effortful, takes more time, and requires individuals to go through every aspect of a situation before making a decision.

The Bottom Line

Experts believe that it’s important to trust your gut and then follow up with scientific studies.

Indeed, the two thinking styles are in fact complementary and can work in concert – we regularly employ them together. Even groundbreaking scientific research may start with intuitive knowledge that enables scientists to formulate innovative ideas and hypotheses, which later can be validated through rigorous testing and analysis. What’s more, while intuition is seen as sloppy and inaccurate, analytic thinking can be detrimental as well. Studies have shown that overthinking can seriously hinder our decision-making process.

In other cases, analytic thinking may simply consist of post-hoc justifications or rationalisations of decisions based on intuitive thinking. This occurs for example when we have to explain our decisions in moral dilemmas. This effect has let some people refer to analytic thinking as the “press secretary” or “inner lawyer” of intuition. Oftentimes we don’t know why we make decisions, but we still want to have reasons for our decisions.

So should we just rely on our intuition, given that it aids our decision-making? It’s complicated. Because intuition relies on evolutionarily older, automatic, and fast processing, it also falls prey to misguidances, such as cognitive biases. These are systematic errors in thinking, that can automatically occur. Despite this, familiarizing yourself with common cognitive biases can help you spot them in future occasions: there are good tips about how to do that here and here.

Similarly, since fast processing is ancient, it can sometimes be a little out of date. Consider for example a plate of donuts. While you may be attracted to eat them all, it is unlikely that you need this large an amount of sugars and fats. However, in the hunter-gatherers’ time, stocking up on energy would have been a wise instinct.

Thus, for every situation that involves a decision based on your assessment, consider whether your intuition has correctly assessed the situation. Is it an evolutionary old or new situation? Does it involve cognitive biases? Do you have experience or expertise in this type of situation? If it is evolutionary old, involves a cognitive bias, and you don’t have expertise in it, then rely on analytic thinking. If not, feel free to trust your intuitive thinking.

It is time to stop the witch hunt on intuition and see it for what it is: a fast, automatic, subconscious processing style that can provide us with very useful information that deliberate analyzing can’t. We need to accept that intuitive and analytic thinking should occur together, and be weighed up against each other in difficult decision-making situations. (World Economic Forum)

Gary Klein, in his book, Intuition at Work, expresses the common wisdom when he says that intuition is “at the center of the decision-making process,” and that analysis is, at best, “a supporting tool for making intuitive decisions.”

Read my latest book: Eye of the Storm: How Mindful Leaders Can Transform Chaotic Workplaces, available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon and Barnes & Noble in the U.S., Canada, Europe, Australia, and Asia.

Copyright: Neither this article nor a portion thereof may be reproduced in any print or media format without the express permission of the author.

The post Trusting Your Gut to Make Decisions appeared first on Relationship Development and Transformation.

RAY WILLIAMS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Ray Williams is a Master Executive Coach, Best Selling Author and Professional Speaker, and founder of his own leadership coaching/mentoring company, Ray Williams Associates.

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Science-Based Ways to Manifest Positivity in Your Life

SCIENCE-BASED WAYS TO MANIFEST POSITIVITY IN YOUR LIFE

Dr. Tchiki Davis October 23, 2020

What is manifestation? The word “manifestation” means to turn an idea into a reality. Usually, we want to manifest things that improve our happiness and well-being (take this well-being quiz to check your current level of well-being). People generally talk about manifestation as the process of using thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to bring something into reality, but given the science behind manifestation, it seems important to also include actions as a key part of the manifestation process.

What Does Manifestation Really Mean?

Manifestation has become popular thanks to books like The Secret and The Law of Attraction. Unfortunately, most psychological scientists will tell you that these books are based on pseudoscience—they claim to be scientific and factual, but they’re not actually based on scientific evidence.

So as a psychological scientist, I can’t, in good conscience, recommend these books. However, I feel like many psychologists throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to the idea of “manifestation.” They’ll often say it’s junk science. But I say: Of course we can manifest positive things in our lives—if we couldn’t then what would be the point of therapy, wellness interventions, or any of the tools we use to help people?

So what does the science actually say about manifestation? How can we take a goal or idea we have in our heads and make it real?

What Is the Science Behind Manifestation?

There actually is science behind the idea of manifestation—that is, turning an idea into a real thing. Here are some areas of research and how they lend support to manifestation:

A growth mindset can help you manifest your dreams and reach your goals

Research by Dr. Carol Dweck clearly shows that believing you can do something makes it more likely that you’ll successfully do it. That means that our beliefs about our ability to learn, grow, and succeed—our growth mindset—can indeed affect whether we effectively manifest what we desire.

Importantly, this research suggests that if we truly believe we can achieve something, we are willing to do the hard work to achieve it. This is in contrast to law-of-attraction style manifestation which suggests that belief alone is enough to bring about manifestation. Ultimately, the science suggests that our beliefs bring about behaviors (and responses from others) that lead to the outcomes we desire.

Self-fulfilling prophecies may explain manifestation.

Research shows that our expectations–positive or negative–tend to be confirmed. This is what is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. So if we expect to bring our idea to life or reach our goal, we’re more likely to.

For example, if you don’t think you can succeed in some goal, let’s say getting your dream job, you’ll set in motion events that will actually make it more likely that you won’t get your dream job. Maybe you’ll be cold or grumpy during a job interview. Maybe you’ll engage in negative self-talk to someone who could help you. Or maybe you’ll just feel upset and not spend the necessary time required to reach your goal. Your beliefs set in motion circumstances that affect your ability to manifest an outcome.

Negativity bias may explain perceptions about manifestation.

Research shows that if we’re already feeling bad, we’re more likely to interpret neutral circumstances in a negative way. It may be that someone with a more positive attitude just pays more attention to the ways in which they have successfully manifested parts of their dreams. Another person with a more negative outlook may experience the exact same things and only see where they failed to manifest what they desired. That’s how bias may affect manifestation.

Upward spirals of positive emotion may explain manifestation success.

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s research has also shown that positive emotions enable us to think more creatively. Similarly, Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky has shown that happiness leads to success and not the other way around. People who are generally happy and positive attract more opportunities, have better relationships, and seem to be able to manifest what they set their minds to more easily.

It makes sense when you think about it, right? We prefer to be around positive, optimistic people. And being around people with a negative attitude? It’s off-putting and doesn’t lead us to want to help these people.

How Do We Use Science to Manifest What We Want?

1. Get clear on what you want to manifest.

What do you actually want? Spend some time focusing to get clarity on your manifestation goal. Mindful meditation can be a useful tool for this—it quiets the mind and helps increase self-awareness. Or, you could talk to a friend. Sometimes just talking can help you gain the clarity you need to manifest something.

2. Manifest what matters to you.

When deciding what to manifest, ask yourself a few reflection questions:

  • Will this make me happy and fulfilled?
  • Does it feel right for me? (Or is there something or someone influencing me?)
  • Will this do any harm to myself or others?

By asking yourself these questions you can choose the right things to manifest—things that you will be more likely to believe in, things that you have positive expectations about, and things that make you feel more positive. As a result, you’ll be more likely to manifest them.

3. Visualize your manifestation to generate positive emotions.

Visualizing what you desire can help you feel positive emotions related to it more strongly. And those feelings can help you believe in yourself more. Just close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and imagine a scene from your future life as you desire it. Here’s a future visualization exercise if you need more help.

The post Science-Based Ways to Manifest Positivity in Your Life appeared first on Relationship Development and Transformation.

DR. TCHIKI DAVIS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Tchiki Davis, Ph.D., is a writer, consultant, and expert on well-being technology. She has helped build happiness products, programs, and services that have reached more than a million people worldwide. To learn more about how Tchiki can help you grow your happiness & well-being, visit berkeleywellbeing.com.

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The Power of Whole Grains in Cooking

Relationship

THE POWER OF WHOLE GRAINS IN COOKING

Marlene Watson-Tara October 23, 2020

 

Marlene Watson-Tara shares about the ancient wisdom of whole grains. She explains how to cook using whole grains and offers video insight on everything you need to know about the power of whole grains.

Changing your diet always means finding replacements for less healthy options. Our goal is to share healthier and tastier alternatives to whatever you desire. Bill and I discussed what we felt would be most helpful to people around the world to assist them in learning the basics of healthy living. We have therefore put together a series of short videos sharing how easy it is to adopt a whole food, plant-based vegan diet. This is the first video, which covers all you need to know about grains.

Cereal grains have served as the foundation of the human diet for centuries. Taken as a group, the grains can feed more people per acre with semi-perishable food than any other food. The nourishing qualities of eating grain, plus the ability to store grain for long periods of time with little spoilage, have made it the most important single crop in human history. It made it possible for societies to survive through periods of drought or the presence of harmful pests. It was insurance against the bad times.

We Eat With Our Eyes

It’s a proven fact that we eat with our eyes. Our eyes lead the way. Our tongues simply follow. This seems to make sense. Our eyes see the food, they tell our brain what it will taste like via a whole series of learned and natural responses, and we taste what we think we should. Plating and food presentation, therefore, plays a key role in how we experience our food. Not only do we find food more appealing when it is artistically plated, but we absorb more nutrients from it as well. No better way to learn how to plate than from my latest book Go Vegan (available world-wide on Amazon). Every recipe has a stunning photograph for you to replicate. It doesn’t get any easier than that.

Also, it stands to reason that if we absorb more nutrition from foods we find physically appealing, then our minds are likely to absorb more information from literature that we find appealing as well. That was one of the reasons I included the three most important aspects of understanding how to live a long happy healthy life.

Go Vegan

In Go Vegan, you will find morsels of information throughout the book in sidebars. They are identified by three symbols:

The microscope indicates science:

When you see this sign there will be a short note of recent science that confirms the health benefits of a vegan diet. You may be surprised that most of this information has been available for decades. It is heartening that a message that presents such hope and potential to both prevent and manage disease is finally filtering into the mainstream. Veganism is not a fad; it is an important movement towards redefining good nutrition and having an ethical approach to eating.

The tree indicates the environment:

This icon represents the environment. For many people, the shift to vegan eating is driven by environmental concerns. One of the most important aspects of our food choices is the impact that they have on the planet. It is a fact that some of the most critical influences on climate change and species loss are directly related to what we eat. A healthy diet should be sustainable and benefit all life, human and non-human alike.

The spiral is ancient wisdom:

The thoughts and actions you will find under this symbol we call ancient wisdom. We have a tendency to think that ‘modern’ is always best, but this is not always the case. Our collective ancestors prized some traditions that are especially important for living a healthy life. Some of these had to do with food selection or preparation, and some addressed our way of thinking. Remember, there is nothing new under the sun.

In Bill’s latest book How To Eat Right & Save The Planet, you will find a comprehensive discussion of the key factors that should be driving our food choices. This is an absolute must-read for anyone concerned about the environment, suffering of animals and human and non-human health.

We are working hard to raise awareness and reaching out to every corner of the globe to assist all on how they can strengthen their immune system during these times of coronavirus.

The post The Power of Whole Grains in Cooking appeared first on Relationship Development and Transformation.

 

MARLENE WATSON-TARA
ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Marlene Watson-Tara A long-time vegan, lover of animals, nature and life and passionate about human ecology. As an eternal optimist, increasing the number of people worldwide to switch to a wholefood, plant-based diet and vegan lifestyle is her mission. Together with her husband Bill Tara, they have created The Human Ecology Project.

Partner’s Confession About Coming Out

What to Do When Your Partner Comes Out to You

 
A confession about gender identity or sexual orientation within a relationship can bring conflicting feelings. What do you do next?

The words from last night’s conversation are circling around in your brain. Your partner came out to you.

Maybe you weren’t 100% surprised, but still, it’s been said out loud and now you’re sitting on the gravity of this information wondering what to do next.

Maybe your brain is playing ping-pong:

You want to support and respect their journey.

But what if this means you aren’t sexually compatible?

You feel honored that your partner was so honest and vulnerable.

But deep down you can’t help feeling betrayed, like a secret has been kept from you and you wonder if anything else has been hidden.

You believe that love is love and support the rights of the LGBTQ community.

But you have never considered yourself a part of this community. What will this mean?

And the questions just keep coming in one after another. Worst of all…

Are we going to split up because of this? 

Some relationships do end after one partner comes out, and some do not.

There are no clear-cut answers to your questions. You and your partner get to co-create the relationship that you want to be in. It’s important not to over-simplify the complexity of human sexuality, gender identity, and orientation.

Luckily relationship experts know how to help couples manage differences. The advice in this article is intended as a tool to provide some structure to help you make sure both your voices are heard and both of your needs are taken into consideration. The advice is based on my 28 years as a couple therapist combined with what we know from The Gottman Institute’s four decades researching over 3,000 couples.

Here are some starting off points to work from.

Step 1: Remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do

The two of you are members of the same team. You are going through this together and can make a joint decision about what is best.

Step 2: Ask open-ended questions (even if you’re afraid of the answers)

Before you approach your partner for a conversation, we recommend some self-care. If your heart is beating over 100 beats per minute, you are in a state of fight or flight (also called flooding), and you won’t be able to have a productive conversation. To make sure you’re calm, do whatever works best for you to clear your mind and ground yourself.

Once you and your partner are both ready to talk, start by asking open-ended questions and listening deeply to the answers. Human beings are happier in relationships when they feel known. It is one of the seven principles that lead to relationship stability, which is the crucial skill of “building love maps.”

As you ask your questions, be a non-judgemental listening ear. Let them tell their story in their own words. Ask clarifying questions if you need to, but not challenging ones.

For example, instead of:

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

Try something like:

“What kinds of things have you been thinking about?”

“What else would you like me to understand?”

“How can I support you right now?”

Don’t be afraid to ask any questions that are coming up for you. Some people worry that asking questions is intrusive. On the contrary, showing kind curiosity is a way to express interest and support to the person you love. It is more likely to lead to feeling closer and better understood.

You might have questions about the words to use to talk about this, or you might ask for definitions of terms that are new to you. Remember that your partner is not speaking for an entire community. They are simply sharing what they think and believe.

As your partner speaks their truth, you are being invited into a sacred part of their world and identity. It is a brave thing for them to share, and it’s brave of you to be open to listening.

You might hear things that are dramatically different than you thought they were. This doesn’t mean that your partner is changing. It means that they trust you enough to share who they are with more depth and update their love maps.

Step 3: Be honest with yourself and your partner 

Follow up by reflecting on what you are hearing. This is how they’ll know that you care enough to deeply understand them.

As you listen to the answers to your questions, fears and doubts might rear their heads. You might wonder if you need to change the essence of who you are or the kind of relationship you want to be in.

Try not to let that fear block you from speaking your own truth. Even though you don’t want to lose the person you love, neither do you want to convince yourself you should feel or believe something that is not true for you.

The first step is for each of you to simply talk honestly about it. We know from the Gottmans’ research that compromise works when both people are able to be clear about the areas where they are flexible and the areas that are core needs.

Step 4: Take your time

You don’t have to make any decisions right away. These issues are complex and will take time to integrate and to educate yourselves.

All the great aspects of your relationship haven’t gone anywhere. You’ve got some hard work to do, so in the meantime, try to keep having fun together. Go to your favorite places, enjoy your favorite dates, and let life go on simultaneously.

One more take-home message

Keep your eye on the prize. Imagine having deeper clarity about your own sexuality as well as your partner’s.

Instead of feeling like you have to do something you don’t want to do, or your partner having to extinguish an important part of who they are, in time, you can make a mutual decision that will allow both of you to be the entirety of who you are.

Do the work, be brave, speak your truth, and listen to your partner’s truth.

The post What to Do When Your Partner Comes Out to You appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Myths about Lust and Love and your Sex Life

The Top Myths about Lust and Love and How They can Ruin Your Sex Life (Part Two)

 
In this article, Dr. Cheryl Fraser continues to debunk love life ideas that you’ve got to be in the mood and that great love “just happens.”
 

Hello, fellow human, let me ask you something. How often are you having sex these days? And how does it compare to the sex you had when you fell in love?

If you are in a committed relationship, your sexual desire is almost certainly lower than it used to be. Heck, I remember when I was dating my now husband, we had sex twice a day. We even set the alarm for 5:30 am so we could have a quickie before he left for work.  And that was only six years ago. Today, like other real couples in real relationships, if you don’t make sexual life intentional, you might go a month without making love.

Really.

Who can relate?

As you read in my last article, if your sexual desire has waned, You Are Normal. There are a lot of myths about this touchy topic—the topic of not getting touched. Let’s demystify a few more.

For myths, the first two myths, read part one.

Myth #3:  I should only initiate sex when I’m in the mood

Terry*, a student in my online Become Passion immersion program put it this way: “When my sweetheart initiates, I eventually get into it. But why don’t I ever think to start sex? It’s like it’s never on my mind…”

Terry is treating his sexual life like an old car. Here’s what I mean. Recently, I purchased a little red Miata. When I gently caress the gas pedal, I love the feeling of immediate response. My sports car is like a great lover: it is thrilling, it is fun, and it feels good. But as time goes on and my new toy gets a few scratches, the novelty wears off. I start to take my ride for granted. It sits in the garage, and unless I think about it, grab the key, and go turn on the engine, we won’t be hugging any curves together. My spontaneous desire to drive my Miata has gone way down.

Hang on, Cheryl, what do lust and sports cars have in common? I’m glad you asked. Let me teach you about what I call the two keys to your erotic engine: desire and arousal.

Desire is the mental aspect of sexual motivation. For example, you might create a fantasy and imagine touching your sweetheart or making love, or you might decide it would be nice to carve out an hour so you can connect erotically. These thoughts motivate you toward your partner.

Arousal is the physical aspect of being turned on (e.g., lubrication, engorgement, yummy tingles, perky nipples). It’s  the physical motivation to begin sexual connection.

“Now here is the cool thing,” I tell Terry, and all the other couples in my program.  “Either key, the desire key or the arousal key, can start your erotic engine.” Since Terry does not easily experience much spontaneous physical arousal, I coach him to cultivate the mental desire key and use his head to get into bed. He feels empowered by this knowledge, and for the first time in years, he begins to initiate lovemaking even when he is not in the mood. Here’s how he does it.

He tells me, “When Erin wants to make love in the evening, I am not into it at all. I’m thinking about work and distracted by chores and… just really not present.” So I help him plan for passion. He decides that he will take a long steam shower after work, relaxing his muscles and slowing his busy mind. Then, he imagines how nice it will be to lay down with Erin and entwine naked bodies. “I still may not be actually horny at this point, but I am at least mentally interested in the idea of being sexual, you know?”

I do know. As sex educator Emily Nagoski says, desire is curiosity.  Terry is deliberately choosing to think about sexuality instead of waiting around for a great sex life to find him. He learns that sex is not a drive, but that his inherent sensuality is like a beautiful vehicle sitting in the garage gathering dust. And he had the keys.

Not in the mood? Don’t let that stop you from taking a spin with the wind in your hair, because great sex is all in your head.

Myth #4: Great love and passion should occur naturally

Remember Jose and Talisha, the couple in a sexless marriage from my last article? As they work with me through my Become Passion program I have them and all the couples create what I call a Passion Plan. 

Why?

Because great couples make their love life a hobby. They choose to make passion a priority. They invest time in their relationship, they set goals, and they stop taking their love life for granted. By the end of my program Jose and Talisha have each created some daily, weekly, monthly, and annual Passion goals. For example, they commit to kissing goodnight with tongue. Talisha vows to schedule a fun date out of the house, no kids every Sunday. Jose commits to learning more about tantric lovemaking and says he will bring some new moves to bed. They agree that once every year they will take a romantic vacation to somewhere with sun and sand. Their goals are specific and they pledge to keep each other accountable. I am there to help make sure they do.

I think each of us should ask ourselves: how hard am I trying to create a fantastic relationship? Because great love and passion are not an accident.

Exceptional couples are just like you except they learn the keys to relationship success and then they use them. So let’s all commit to keeping our motors running—one gesture, one hug, one touch at a time.

*All names changed for confidentiality.

Dr. Cheryl teaches her free Passion class in October. Register here! In this class she teaches the three keys to passion and introduces her upcoming Become Passion online couples program, mentioned above, which begins November 1st.

The post The Top Myths about Lust and Love and How They can Ruin Your Sex Life (Part Two) appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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